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WHAT YOU CAN DO: A GUIDE FOR FAMILIES & FRIENDS

Become Informed

Gather all the information you can about domestic violence.  Contact programs and services in your area that assist battered women and their children.  These programs not only offer women safety, but also provide advocacy, support, and other needed services.

Sometimes your own feelings about the violence may make it difficult for you to confront the situation.  Contact your local domestic violence hotline or program and talk to staff about your concerns.  Battered women’s advocates can be an excellent source of support for both you and your friend.

Lend A Sympathetic Ear

Letting your friend know that you care and are willing to listen may be the best help you can offer.  Don’t force the issue, but allow her to confide in you at her own pace.  Keep your mind open and really listen to what she tells you.  Never blame her for what’s happening or underestimate her fear of potential danger.

Remember that your friend must make her own decisions about her life.  Focus on supporting her right to make her own choices.

Guide Her to Community Services

When she asks for advice on what she should do, share the information you’ve gathered with her privately.  Let her know she is not alone and that caring people are available to help her.  Encourage her to seek the assistance of battered women’s advocates at the local domestic violence hotline or program.  Assure her that any information she shares with them will be kept strictly confidential.

Many battered women first seek the advice of marriage counselors, psychiatrists, or members of the clergy.  Not all helping professionals, however, are fully aware of the special circumstances of abused women.  If the first person she contacts is not helpful, she should be encouraged to find assistance elsewhere.

Focus on Her Strengths

Battered women live with emotional as well as physical abuse.  Your friend is probably continually told by the abuser that she is a bad woman, a bad wife, and a bad mother.  Without positive reinforcement from outside the home, she may begin to believe she can’t do anything right-that there really is something wrong with her.

Give her the emotional support she needs to believe that she is a good person.  Help her examine her strengths and skills.  Emphasize that she deserves a life that is free from violence.

Be A Friend In Deed

Tell her you’re there for her when she needs you.  Provide whatever you can:  transportation, child care, financial assistance.

Confront Her With the Danger

At some point, you may find it difficult to be supportive of your friend if she remains in the violent relationship or returns to the abuser after a temporary separation.  Let her know that not everyone lives with abuse.  Be willing to confront her with the physical and emotional harm that she and her children will suffer if she stays.  Help your friend face up to the dangerous reality of living with an abusive partner.  Remind her that even a push or a shove can result in serious injury.

Help Her Develop A Safety Plan

Encourage your friend to develop a plan to protect herself and her children.  Help her think through the steps she should take if her partner becomes abusive again.  Make a list of people she can call in an emergency.

Suggest that she put together and hide a suitcase of clothing, personal items, money, social security cards, bank books, the children’s birth certificates and school records, and other important documents.

If She Decides to Leave

The first safe place your friend should contact is the local domestic violence hotline or battered women’s shelter.  Shelter workers can help her examine her options.  If she decides to leave, a shelter may be the safest place she can go.  The sad truth, however, is that not all communities have shelters or safe homes.  Sometimes shelters don’t have enough room for all the women and children who need their help.  Your friend may need to rely on family or friends for temporary housing.

Be very careful when offering and providing safety in your home.  The battered woman frequently faces the most physical danger when she attempts to flee.  Be very discreet and talk to domestic violence program staff about the best way to handle this.

When to Intervene

It cannot be overemphasized that domestic violence is a crime that can result in serious physical injury and even death.  If you are a neighbor or otherwise know that a battering incident is occurring, call the police immediately.  Calling the police does not always mean the abuser will be put in jail.  It is simply the most effective way to protect the woman and her children from immediate harm.  

HOW TO CONTACT YOUR LOCAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE PROGRAM

Most local programs for battered women have ongoing community outreach efforts.  Look for brochures, posters, or other materials that describe available services.  If you are unaware of a program in your community, the following steps should lead you in the right direction.

• Check the white or yellow pages of your phone book for “domestic violence,” “women’s shelter,” “shelter for battered or abused women,” “crisis line,” or “hotline.”

• Call your local government information and referral office, mental health agency, or human services division and ask for the name of the nearest program for battered women.

• Contact your state coalition or task force on domestic violence and request referral information.

• Ask for assistance in locating local programs from you state or local government’s agency on women’s issues.

• Call Children’s Inn at (605) 338-4880 or toll free 1-888-378-7398.

Helping our friends and family live free from physical abuse is only part of the solution to the problem of domestic violence.  Heightening community awareness and speaking out about the need to protect victims’ rights are critical.  Moreover, as role models for the next generation, we must teach our children that the use of violence to resolve problems and control others is unacceptable behavior.

This information was written by the National Woman Abuse Prevention Project.

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What Is Domestic Violence?

Domestic violence is a pattern of controlling behavior that may include physical, sexual, economic, emotional, and psychological abuse of one family member or intimate partner by another. The goal of domestic violence is to establish and maintain power and control.